Tuesday, October 14, 2008

hopes and fears

Parrish is sleeping peacefully. A thing that is not happening everyday now. The moments that I steal for myself are few. In twenty minutes these rooms will be full of noise. The sounds of children returning from school, of laughing and living. Often these noises drive me crazy, but right now in the quiet I miss the sweet voices of my children about their business. Soon my youngest will be off to school and the truth is that I will miss him. For almost 8 years I have always had a child at home. My life as an expat has always been about my children. I wonder and fear if I will lose the connectedness that I feel with my children as they start to gain their independence. I suppose it is the way of things and as they grow and move on to the next phase so must I.

After the birth of Parrish, I had a diffcult time coming to grips with the fact that there would be no more pregnancies, no more babies. For a year or more maybe I struggled with this, trying to move on to my next phase. I think that I have, but I have done it with sadness instead of embracing what the next phase brings to me. As my children grow and mature though, I wonder and fear that I am not giving them all that I can, not being the example I should, not making and cherishing the most of their short time with me. So much to fear, but I will not let it drown out all my hopes and dreams. I am a mother who sees and knows what these sweet souls can become. I am honored to guide them to their next phase and I will smile with the knowledge that they know who they are and where they want to go. Soon I will be sending them into the world brave and bright and shining.


Gabriela said...

I know what you mean. I obsess about "the next phase". Thanks for your honesty, I know I am not alone and that maybe I am normal!

And I think you are a terrific mom, and you have wonderful kids. Julio was just saying how much he wishes Gwen was here for his birthday!

Ballerina Girl said...

You are a great Mom...never second guess that, just keep striving to be better every day.
At least that is what I try to do!
The next phases are fun, even though we mourn the last phase, every time...
and you have a bit of time still....relax and enjoy the ride ;)